You're going to need this for this post:
Did you know that gay is (hit it)
I didn't either! I can't believe no one brought it to my attention before! I mean, I know my mom thought (thinks?) that living in Cedar City, Utah for an extended period of time can give you The Gay, but I know plenty of straight folks in Cedar City, so I just figured she was overreacting. What if I was wrong? What if they're all just immune to The Gay and I wasn't? What if I caught gay from living in Cedar City and now I'm a carrier? What if I'm (hit it)
PASSING IT ON TO MY FRIENDS?!?
Oh, the humanity! Oh, the...to borrow, if I may, from Joseph Conrad: "The horror! The horror!"
I can't believe I didn't realize it before, but it must be true! Because, you see, I have this friend (who, for purposes of anonymity I will refer to as "Friend". Try not to get confused.) with whom I am very close. And she was making plans to come visit Becca and me for a day or two in the spring. When she mentioned these plans to her mother, her mother told her she didn't think it was a good idea. The "why" it wasn't a good idea, her mother left unsaid, but Friend already knew the "why". Eventually, Friend told me that both her parents (who are lovely people. I've met them. We get along famously and I was under the impression that they quite liked me.) are absolutely, with out a doubt, convinced that if you spend time with the gays, you will, in fact, catch THE GAY. (hit it)
I had no idea I was such a danger to my immediate friends and family! I suddenly feel like a leper. Maybe I should walk around chanting "unclean! Unclean!" so folks know I'm highly contagious. I have The Gay and there's nothing I can...or want, for that matter...to do about it.
Any my poor friend! She's DOOMED! (Go ahead. One more time. With gusto. HIT IT!)
Like most of my friends, she makes her living in theater. And, as you may or may not know, a lot of gays work in theater. Good grief, just walking into a theater is like licking a Petri dish full of gay. She's being exposed to gay from all sides! She can't escape it!
Now, I don't actually know anyone to whom I have directly passed The Gay. There was a girl who lived on my couch for a summer and thought she might have caught it - enough that she tried kissing girls and even dated a girl for a while - but, luckily, she made a full recovery and is now happily married (to a man) with a lovely child. She survived! Also, I can hardly take full responsibility for her exposure as the apartment in question was occupied, not only by myself and my wife, but by two of our gay friends (and our token straight friend). That's a lot of gay-sposure!
At least Friend's parents aren't concerned that the gays are actively recruiting. At least they're giving us the benefit of the doubt and taking some of the responsibility out of our hands. You might, even if you knew you had it, unwittingly pass on herpigonosyphilaids. So it is with The Gay. Despite your best efforts at containment, you never know who you're going to expose to the danger!
And, in her mother's defense, Friend is beautiful, smart, talented, in her mid 20's and (hit it - one more time)
At this rate, she's destined to wind up an old maid, and her mother just wants to make sure she's actively pursuing a husband and not hiding behind the lesbians. Can you blame her? Okay, since I've spent this entire rant pseudo blaming her, I guess I can, but I can also see her point. The only way to meet eligible, single men is to hang out with eligible, single men. Most of the eligible, single men I hang out with are also interested in meeting eligible, single men. My circle of friends is not going to help Friend find a husband.
Anyway, I sincerely hope that Friend's well-educated, well-intentioned parents learn that The Gay isn't something you catch by exposure. It's just something you're born with - a genetic defect, if you will (I won't, but you can if it makes you feel better about life) - and not contagious at all. Though, I imagine the only way to prove it to them would be to over-expose Friend to The Gay and then marry her off to Vin Diesel, or some other excessively manly man. And I'm not sure Friend is into the kind of "over-exposure" I have in mind...
...yet. (hit it)