Saturday, May 22, 2010

I Win!

My aunt called me today to tell me she heard that gay marriage was the "single biggest threat to our society."

No, she wasn't calling to be malicious or to encourage me to repent. She told me because she knew I'd think it was funny. Also, she wanted to express her jealousy. In her words: "You win. I'll never be the single greatest threat to anything."

She didn't divulge her source, so I did a little internet research to see if I could find the mastermind behind such a statement. I turned up nothing. Lots of people think that gay/same-sex marriages are the single greatest threat to marriage or "the American family as we know it", but I didn't find the "threat to society" quote. Too bad.

However, just because Google couldn't find the statement, doesn't mean it didn't happen. So, in honor of my new achievement, I've compiled a brief list of some other "single biggest threats" to society/America/civilization, etc. Here they are, in no particular order:

And my personal favorite:

But if you think about it, we didn't find any WMDs, coal is just baby diamonds waiting to be born, everyone knows climate change is a myth, and without polling, we'd never know what opinion we should have. The only "real" threat in this list (other than gay marriage, of course) is ManBearPig.

Now, that thing's scary.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

I Wish I Become Famous...later

When I was little I used to wish on stars. As I recall, it went something like this:

Star light star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight
(I wish I become a ballerina.)

That wish lasted until about third grade when I decided I was going to be the first female President of the United States. Then I found out I could sing, and all my political aspirations when right out the window. My new wish was to be famous. Sometimes I would add a disclaimer about how I didn't want to be famous for dying in some really gruesome way, but mostly whenever the opportunity for a wish presented itself, I would wish for fame. Not so much fortune (that came later) - I just wanted to be famous.

What does this have to do with the theme of this blog, you may ask? I'm getting to that. Hold your horses.

A few weeks ago, Ricky Martin made headline news (if you consider Yahoo! "headline news") by coming out of the closet. After my initial, "well, duh," I thought, "Holy crap! I'm glad I didn't have to come out to the entire universe at once!" Coming out to one person at a time is tricky enough. I mean, I guess there comes a point when you reach some kind of "critical mass" and then you're just out. You don't have to keep telling people. They just know.

But what would it be like to have not yet reached that point and suddenly your coming out story is national news? Whoa. I've never been so glad that a wish didn't come true.

(I'm also glad that I'm not the President of the United States, though technically, I've got three more years before I'm old enough to even run, so I guess there's still a chance...)

Friday, February 19, 2010

A bit off topic...

Last night I dreamed I was on a mission to destroy a demon (who looked remarkably like a girl I went to high school with - aside from the fangs, giant leathery bat wings, and extra set of bony arms that ended in very menacing looking clawed hands). I had no weapons and my only defense was the wooden chair I was wielding like a shield. Luckily for me, rather than a full on claw attack, she was throwing things at me - mostly pillows, as I recall.

I skillfully blocked the pillows with my chair and then had a brilliant idea. To vanquish the demon, I rushed up and kissed her.

The reasoning went something like this: Demon = pure evil. Love = pure good. If I can prove to the demon that it loves me and is having a good emotion, then that proves it is not pure evil and therefore can't be a demon anymore. It seemed like a better idea than trying to kill an old friend.

Unfortunately, I woke up before I found out if my theory worked.

I'm not much of a dream analyst, but I hope this doesn't mean I'm supposed to go around kissing evil people. Or even worse, that kissing me causes death. I'm hoping someone in cyberland has some insight.